I have realized something about myself. I am very honest. Now, I don't always say what comes to mind. I do have a bit of a filter. You might annoy me and I ignore it. I might care about you a whole lot but, to avoid sounding like a creeper, I keep my feelings to myself. Other than those things, I am dreadfully honest. The problem is, whereas I think that should be an admirable quality, because it's foreign to most people, it isn't admired. This is probably compounded by the fact that I live in the South. The southern states pride themselves on their hospitality and general "nice-ness." What that often boils down to, though, is falsehood... "I am going to be sweet to your face and talk about you behind your back." "My life is falling apart, but I am going to smile and convince you that everything is peachy." "You hurt my feelings, but I'm going to pretend like we're all good." "I'm really jealous of you, but I'm going to act supportive." "I don't care about you, but I will pretend to because it makes me look good." The result is a whole lot of fake. And everyone can thrive in their insincerity as long as everyone does it. Now, enter my honest self, people panic, and trouble erupts. And part of the problem might be that they are still looking at me through the filter of fakeness and don't realize that, with me, what you see is what you get. I don't have a hidden agenda. If I'm not smiling it doesn't mean I'm unhappy; I just might be thinking about something instead of setting my face for your comfort. I'm not saying one thing and thinking another. If I make a general observation, it is not a calculated missile launch at your entire character. I'm not being nice now but secretly plotting your demise. These things are foreign to ME.
Maybe who I am has affected which life-guiding principles learned from various courses and various relationship experiences that I have held onto as important, and which ones I have dismissed as "bad ideas." I'm sure we all do that to some extent. But, with that in mind, here are some things that I hold to as good inter-personal relationship principles:
1. Communication is Key. We have to communicate- truthfully, though respectfully. If I don't know you're upset with me, I can't fix it. If you don't know I'm upset with you, you can't fix it.
2. Don't "Gunny sack." Do not hold onto and store up things that bother you. They will fester. They will become worse than they really were to begin with. One day, when the sack gets full enough, you will explode.
note- Don't pretend you're dismissing things when you're really sacking them. Sometimes we even lie to ourselves about this.
3. Communication is about intention as much as it is about words- but don't assign your own intention to someone. Decide what their intention is based on what you know of THEM- not what you know of YOU or what you know of OTHERS. If that is a person who has never tried to hurt you, then they're probably not trying to hurt you now.
4. Say what you mean. Mean what you say.
I am not intending to try to sound like an expert, by any stretch of the imagination. I hope, in my 32 years, that I have learned a thing or two. I have learned about myself. I have learned about people. I have learned about my interaction with people. And, by the grace of God, I'm still learning. However, let me assure you, whomever you may be, that I don't dislike anyone- and I am not aware of anyone who truly dislikes me. Now, I do have insecurity issues that make me think no one likes me... but that's another blog for another day. (And not liking someone is different than disliking someone.) All I'm saying is, if you think you know me, you probably do. I'm not difficult to figure out because I can't keep things hidden. If you press me enough, I'm going to talk. And when I speak, it's the truth.
