Helicopter Parent

I never intended to be a helicopter parent.  Ok, I doubt anyone ever intends to be - I just didn't think that would ever be me.  But as Judah is just days away from starting Kindergarten, I think I hear the whirring sound of the blades starting to whip.

I've always tried to teach him to do things for himself.  I've often observed from a distance while letting him figure things out on his own.  But that's the thing... I have always been able to observe.  I thought I had already let him go, to a certain extent.  He's been in preschool since he was three months old.  A couple of days before I went back to work, I was curled up in Steven's lap crying a river and telling him I didn't think I could do it.  I did, and it didn't take long for me to realize that we had the best of both worlds.  I was able to work, and he was able to attend a fantastic preschool with so many wonderful ladies who taught, nurtured, and loved him.  Two years later, Kirk started the same journey, and just last week, Annaleah joined them.  So, this shouldn't be a big deal, right?  WRONG.  I'm a mess.

He has always been just down the hall from me.  I know his teachers well and can ask any question at any time.  He has even been my music student for most of his life.  I know what happens in the classroom; I can look out on the playground as I pass by; I know all of his friends and their parents.  How can I suddenly not know what he's doing all day?

Will his teacher know how innocent he is?...how he knows very little about the world but so much about God that he astounds his parents?...and that he thinks everyone is loving and kind? Will she know that all bugs are "God's creatures" and that he won't want to throw away a piece of paper because he gets attached to everything?  Will she know that he gets overwhelmed by tasks that seem too big?  Will she see the wheels turning behind his eyes as he analyzes and deeply mulls over what she is teaching?  Will she be able to tell that he misses his friends he has known since birth and that he has cried over missing his 4K teacher?  Does she know how long we waited for him?...how we thought we might never have him? Would she care to know that I cried when he was four-days-old because it was the only time he would ever be four-days-old and I just wanted to freeze time?  Obviously, I didn't manage to do that... because here we are, a few days later, at Kindergarten.  So, forgive me, teacher, principal, cafeteria lady, etc., if I seem to be hovering.  I'm trying really hard to let him grow and learn on his own.  But that's my baby you have there.

Kyriou

Next month, Kyriou would have been born. We named our baby, whose gender was unknown, a Greek word that means "of the Lord" or "belonging to the Lord." Many people didn't know the tragedy we experienced earlier this year. It was during a busy time (really, what time isn't?) and we pretty much kept on trucking. Does that mean we're strong? Not really. It means we're actors. But now, maybe because it's Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, I'm making you aware. As Christians, we believe in the sanctity of human life. We mourn over abortion because babies are being lost. Babies. Not tissue or fetuses or even "pregnancies," but babies. Generations of Christian women before us have often relegated miscarriage to hushed tones behind closed doors. I'm not faulting them, but I know that I am being hypocritical if I do not acknowledge to you that a member of my family has died. Will I answer the question, "How many children do you have?" with, "Four...two here, one in heaven, and one in my womb"? Probably not, although some do, and I think that's great. But in deeper conversation, I'm not afraid to talk about Kyriou because he or she is a real person who lives on even though I haven't met him or her yet. In our case, we are blessed to have another baby on the way who wouldn't have come to be if Kyriou hadn't died. Bittersweet. But, as in all things, God is sovereign. He doesn't always make sense to us, but He is always God, and He is always good.

My friend, Tasha Tollison, has two sweet babies in heaven. She made me think about all of this before I ever experienced it on my own. So, if you have been quiet about your own miscarriage, consider visiting her Facebook page Arrows for Your Quiver.  And as she suggests, give your baby a name. It helps. Our boys talk about Kyriou and know they have a sibling they didn't get to meet. It's important to acknowledge the life. I wasn't trying to be secretive before but, well, now you know. 

Because He Lives

         "Because He lives I can face tomorrow
             Because He lives all fear is gone
             Because I know He holds the future
             And life is worth the living just because He lives."

There's nothing particularly earth-shattering about those lyrics to an old hymn, but it was while singing them that God spoke to me, yesterday.  When Christians go through something difficult, we often remark to each other, "I don't know how people who don't know Jesus get through this."  It's true.  There's nothing like that "peace that passes understanding" which only comes from the Holy Spirit.  We feel His presence giving us strength and His guidance when we don't know what to do next.  We also know that those of us who follow Jesus will be with Him in heaven, one day, and that is certainly a comforting thought.  But while those things are amazing reasons that I'd rather have Jesus than anything else, it was something else that hit me like a ton of bricks, yesterday...  I have a purpose.  What I do with my life, as I try to follow Jesus and do the things He wants me to do, has eternal significance.  This world is not my home.  There is great blessing and joy and excitement here, but it's not what I'm living for.  No matter what happens to me in this life, my day-to-day, year-to-year purpose is to do the will of God - to worship Him and lead others to do the same.  That's it.  Everything else is just icing.  If I lose a job or a family member or an appendage, but I still have breath in my lungs, my purpose hasn't changed.  In fact, I'm counting on God using those things for His glory.  Does it mean that I won't grieve?  Of course not!  There is a time for that, and Jesus grieved deeply.  But it does not give me the right to be debilitated.  There is work to do, and I want to do my part.  I have been bought with a price, and my life is not my own.

He Is Risen!...

...He Is Risen Indeed!  This call and response is repeated each Easter at my church, and on many Sundays in a church of my childhood.  I love Easter Sunday.  Churches are full of people who are there for all different reasons.  Some are there every week.  Some try to come often but see Easter as being on the "must do" list of days.  Some only darken the doors on the "big two" - Christmas and Easter.  Some are there begrudgingly at the request of a family member.  Some may not be sure why they are there, but as a tradition, it feels like the right thing to do.  But in that mass of people, most seem to understand that Easter is a celebration of the greatest day in human history.  To those of us who know Jesus in a personal way, Resurrection Day is a matter of life and death.  For that matter, how each human sees the resurrection is a matter of life and death - whether we know it or not.  There is an overwhelming sense of joy to unite with other Believers and testify that because Jesus died for us and was raised again, we have life beyond the grave.  Our destiny was changed the day we put our trust in Him.  He took the punishment that should have been ours.  What a reason to celebrate!  

But what about tomorrow?  Won't He still be alive tomorrow?  Will I still be reconciled to God because of Jesus' sacrifice, tomorrow?  Won't He still be the awesome Savior who defeated sin and the grave, tomorrow?  What about next Sunday?  When a smaller crowd of us gather next week, won't He still be Lord?  Why don't we have that same exuberance every Sunday and every day that we live as redeemed children of God?!  Complacency?  Unfocused living?  I'm not sure what the answer is, but I want to tell the world, by my words and actions, every day, that I serve a Risen Savior.  And while I'm at it... for those who are familiar with our sanctuary services at FBS, and meaning no offense to anyone in particular, but I want to be a 9:00 Christian, and not a 10:30 one ;)

Happy Resurrection Day.  Happy Resurrected Life.

"I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." - John 10:10b

Today and Yesterday

Today, Judah opened the doors for me as we left school/work/church. This is significant for two reasons. One is that it is maybe the first step in his formal southern gentleman training. The second reason it stands out to me is that yesterday, he couldn't do it. He's tried a few times and I either step around the stroller and help or someone else steps up to assist when it becomes obvious that he's not quite going to make it on his own. This happened just yesterday, in fact. But today, he did it by himself. Two doors - each in turn opened and held proudly for his mama. He and I both commented on his great strength. But the point is, I witnessed a milestone. I've witnessed many, but only a few have struck me with the idea that today he can do something that, literally, YESTERDAY he could not do. It is such a blessing to watch someone grow up. It is simultaneously miraculous and heartbreaking. The things that I wish he could do now, one day, he'll be able to do them, and my baby will slip away a little more. Today, I'm going to savor what he can't do, because tomorrow he may be proudly standing beside his next accomplishment saying, "I can do it, Mama" and needing me a little less.

Mother's Day and Why I Need to Say I'm Sorry

Mother's Day is coming, and I feel the need to ask forgiveness.  There are two groups of young women out there who don't have children, and don't particularly enjoy this day.  The first group are those who have chosen, at least for now, not to have children.  That should be ok with the rest of us, and we need to leave you alone about it.  I'm sorry some pester you with questions.

The second group is the group of which I used to be a member.  You are the moms without children.  You are the single ladies who want to start a family, but haven't found that right guy yet.  You are those who long for a baby but repeatedly see that negative sign or have already been told you won't be able to bear children.  You are those who have lost babies.  As my mother-in-law once said, "Empty arms are empty arms no matter what the reason is."  It is to this group that I ask forgiveness.

Why?  Because I am going to celebrate Mother's Day.  As I hold one child on my lap and another kicks and squirms right behind him, I am thankful.  Don't get me wrong - I will continue to think of you often.  For those of you that I know, your faces and circumstances will flutter through my mind all day, and all season.  But while I will feel sadness for you, I don't want to feel guilt.  That is an inappropriate response to the God who has changed my circumstances.

Now, I know, having been where you are, that you don't identify with me.  I'm on the other side of my miracle.  But please, hear me out.  I want you to know that, someday, you will very likely look back on this day on the other side of your miracle.  How do I know that?  Because the list of those who were in your position, in my circle of friends and acquaintances, is shrinking!  I know, I know... each time someone new announces a pregnancy you think, "Well, that gives me a little hope, but when is it MY turn?!"  And, for some, their miracle doesn't come in the way they wanted it to.  But when it does come, you will look at that beating heart on that monitor or that child placed in your arms or that picture sent to your email, with an awe and wonder that I think most parents don't experience.  I still get a little jealous when I hear of a newlywed getting pregnant and then carrying that perfect baby to term.  But, in a way, I'm not jealous at all.  They will be happy, but never fully know the elation of finally seeing that positive on that little stick.  They will rejoice with that first cry, but not as much as if they've imagined that scenario for years, wondering if it would ever come.  They will enjoy that little voice saying "Mama," but it won't be the same as if they thought they might never hear it.  And I hope they will relish that first little Mother's Day card or gift that their child probably had little to do with - but it will mean a little more to you that this time, YOU are the mother, and YOURS is that child.  And when that happens, you will celebrate.  And you should.

I have celebrated, and I will celebrate.  I will think of you and pray for you.  I also think of those whose age or life stage has guaranteed they will never be a Mother, in the traditional sense.  But, Lord willing, your time is coming.  I'm sorry for your wait.  But hang in there, because the celebration will be that much sweeter, my friend.

You turned my wailing into dancing;
     You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy - Psalm 30:11 (NIV)

Already

A little over a year ago, we were about to meet a new life and start a new Life.  We had planned, shopped, received, cleaned, set up, read, researched, hoped, wished, prayed.  We were ready.  We were looking forward.  Now, just 13 months later, we still look forward, but we are also looking back.  Already.

Already, a trip away no longer requires thoughts of bottles, a pump, coolers and containers for milk, or even baby food.  Just a few months ago, I was studying what foods to start first and how to make my own baby food.  Now, we are already practically finished nursing, and our boy loves to eat big people food. Today, I put away a never-got-filled bottle that was waiting to be used but is no longer needed, as well as a bottle drying rack that has taken up space on our counter since the day he got home... you know, just the other day.

Already, I have packed away more clothes than I originally washed, folded, and put on hangers and in drawers in preparation for our growing arrival.  Already, we have put away a swing, jumper, activity mat, and other things that it seems we just set up so recently.  He's too big for them, now.

Already, his first birthday - the party, the cake smashing, the pictures, the presents - has come and gone.  Our "firsts" have already turned into "seconds" as a year was completed and another rolls on.

Already, we had to set up a baby gate to keep him from going upstairs- a gate that we, sadly, didn't research before registering for because even though we knew we'd need one eventually, it was so far away.  But this mover is already climbing.

Already, he needs a bigger carseat.  He hangs over the end of the infant seat, and it's getting too heavy to carry.

Already, our baby is starting to talk.  He signs to us to communicate his needs.  He smiles and laughs to indicate what he likes.  He tries to copy what we do.  Already, he's not as much a part of us, but is becoming his own person.


Everyone likes to say, "It goes by so fast," and, "Cherish every moment."  Some people might need these reminders.  Not me.  I need someone to remind me that great things are ahead.  That he's getting to a fun age where we can do more as a family.  That more exciting milestones are ahead to enjoy.  Already, my baby is being replaced by a toddler.  Toddlers are fun, but they're not babies.  And toddlers turn into preschoolers who turn into big kids.  You may be looking at your high school senior and wondering where the time went.  I'm looking at my baby boy and wondering the same thing.  Already.

Approved

Update: Last week our homestudy was approved and entered "cyberspace."  It's not really cyberspace, but we are "searchable" to adoption workers looking for families.  It's a nice feeling, approval.  We continue to have excited "what if" moments as well as the "oh my, what have we done" ones.  Ok, I do.  Steven might just be excited ;)

"I Formed You..."

Backlog #2

September 11, 2012

There are things about anticipating adoption that are very different from the thoughts and feelings you would expect when anticipating a birth of a biological child.  I have never been pregnant, but it's easier to sympathize with and understand that kind of anticipation because most people have experienced that and most of those have written or at least talked about it.  Here is an obvious difference: with birth, you generally have about nine months to prepare, question, worry, get excited, etc.  Unless the baby is born early, you pretty much know when to expect him or her.  With adoption, you could be looking at a couple of months or a couple of years.  This is just one difference.  There are many.

What I've been thinking about lately is that in addition to the ways adoption is different, DSS adoption is even different than other ways of adopting.  Recently, I was in our infant room at work where a co-worker has beautifully decorated a canvas with words from the Bible, in Jeremiah 1:5, which says, "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you..."  I've seen and even thought about that verse many times; but that day I was seeing it in a new light.  I know many parents think about their newly forming baby and hear those words.  God destined this child to be.  He took a bit of you and a bit of another person and intentionally created a new person for whom He has a plan.  Sometimes God's plan involves someone else raising that child.  I recently watched a couple of episodes of a new show called, "I'm Having Their Baby."  It's a heart-wrenching reality show about moms who decide, for various reasons, that their child would have a better life if someone else raised them.  I encourage everyone to watch at least one episode of that show (but be forewarned - you will need tissues).  It gives a very candid picture of the agonizing choice some women make to hand over their babies to another person.  So, back to the verse... sometimes God says, "Before I formed you in the womb [of one woman], I knew you [and directed her to know that I needed you to be raised by another]"  But in the case of DSS adoptions, it isn't the loving choice of a mother that has caused the need for adoption.  In these cases, the child has been forcibly removed from a dangerous or otherwise unfit home.  So as I am praying for the child God will entrust to us (who may or may not already be born) I realize that it is a sinful world that will cause me to be able to be a parent.  My child is most likely going to be in harm's way before coming to me.  Maybe he or she is being hurt right now.  And as hard as it is to fathom, that is also God's plan.  "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you... [I knew that you were going to be born into unsafe or even toxic conditions.  I knew you were going to have to be uprooted.  I have also made a way for you to be safe, but it won't be easy]."  How do I pray for this child?

Things we take for granted...

It's so cool that some people get to go to the hospital one day and come home a couple days later with a baby.  No strings attached.  You didn't have to prove you're worthy of it, and you don't have to wonder if you're going to get to keep it.  If you've had that experience, I hope you're thankful for it.

Pharaoh, Pharaoh...

Has anyone ever noticed that despite our society becoming more violent and children being exposed to more detrimental things at an earlier age, children's stories are actually becoming more tame?  Have you looked at a book of fairy tales lately?  There's always something about somebody being killed or children eaten by witches, etc.  Those things would be considered too gruesome or frightening for today's children.  However, I would also like to point out that we have also severely dumbed down the language.  When I read an old story to my four-year-olds, it feels like I'm translating a book from another language on the spot (which, by the way, I have done).  I am trying to let my eyes read ahead so I can change words that are too hard to understand into easier concepts and find better ways to say, "She said, 'I will bite off his fingers.'"  If you haven't had that experience, I don't particularly recommend it - it makes your head hurt!  I'm going to have to do some more thinking about why things have changed and what effect it has on today's children.  In most cases, I am in favor of sheltering children when they're that young.  But, at the same time, maybe there's some merit to scaring them! 

Now, here's where it bothers me.  For a long time, I have been amused by the way that children's Bibles or preschool Sunday School curriculum have chosen to tell certain bible stories.  For instance, there is no mention of the feud between Jacob and Esau except to focus on the fact that they forgave each other and reconciled.  I'm not saying that a child should understand the complexities of the problems between them, but it's just funny that that part is kept from them.  That's really the beauty of the Bible - that it is applicable to us at every stage or situation in life.  However, I was recently looking for a children's version of the plagues of Egypt part of the Exodus story and found that it is very hard to come by.  Most sources I found went straight from Moses at the burning bush to the Israelites crossing the Red Sea.  I am convinced that it is because it is too hard to explain a loving God that pours out judgment and wrath.  It's okay for Pharaoh to kill babies, because he's a "bad guy," but when God kills babies?  That's too much.  We can't teach little children that!  Why not?!  Yes, I want them to understand that God is loving.  Yes, I am hoping they don't ask certain questions that will be too difficult to explain to the whole group.  But it is part of the character of God, it makes us fear Him in a good way, and, later, it will add so much to their understanding of grace!  We need to stop making excuses for God.  He doesn't need us to defend Him.  He is who He is... He said so Himself!  "God said to Moses, "I AM WHO I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: 'I AM has sent me to you.'" (Exodus 3:14)

I am not meaning to criticize parenting styles or the writing habits of the good folks at Lifeway.  I am suggesting that we, as adults, need to stop candy-coating God, and take a good, hard look at who He is.  Maybe letting Him be who He is instead of glossing past the parts we don't like, will help us understand Him a little better and comprehend the relationship He's trying to have with us.

Thoughts From a Month Ago

This is the first of those previously-written-but-not-posted entries I spoke of in the last blog...

Typing is easier than writing.  We have become a computer driven society and I think I'm getting lazy.  So there have been times when I've wanted to journal but I've been too lazy to sit down with the book and get a hand cramp.  Also, I don't mind making some things public, but since we are still keeping the adoption out of the public eye, I can't blog about what I think about, what's happening, and how it all makes me feel.  I wish I had done this sooner- type out entries to save and post later.  But I'm starting now.

Aug. 17, 2012
Though we thought we'd have about three months between turning in paperwork and starting the homestudy process, in reality, we had about one month and it will be completed within THIS month.  This is exciting and frightening all at the same time.  Because, by September, the waiting-for-a-phone-call phase begins.  I've heard the term "paper pregnancy" and I'm starting to understand what that means.  What I hadn't counted on, was the hormonal-like emotions!  Maybe some of the emotions during pregnancy that get blamed on hormones are really just the reality hitting that your life is about to change forever.  My mind is being pulled in more directions than usual and at times I feel like I'm on the edge of a minor breakdown. 

The Cat Is Out...

So, here's the thing... we've had a secret.  And even though the cat is out of the bag now, we're not making any Facebook announcements because, well, Steven doesn't want to :)  He figures that the people who need to know are the people we see or talk to on a regular basis and, therefore, we will tell them in person and they will know.  Granted, Facebook has gotten way out of hand and we have too many "friends" on there.  As a side note - we have really cheapened that word.  Moving on...  Steven has always been more secretive than I.  I want to honor his request, but I like to work through things by talking or writing about them.  The solution is that I will write about things on this blog and can refer people here if they want to know more, but I will not direct people here by way of Facebook.  And now on to the news...

We have completed the paperwork and interview part of the process to become adoptive parents!  It is exciting and frightening all at the same time.  We are now in the waiting phase.  It's hard to answer a lot of questions when you're going through the first part of the process, so we didn't tell a lot of people.  Now it is out of our hands and questions aren't so bad.  Here are some of the basic, frequently asked ones to get out of the way:  1. What age?  We are looking at birth to five years.  2. Who are you using?  DSS (social services) - it is essentially free and we feel good about their objectives and means.  3. What now?  Whereas most agencies are looking for children for their families, DSS is looking for families for their children.  Our information will soon be in a database accessible to all the agents in SC (and maybe a couple of surrounding states) who will be looking for families in which to place children who need a permanent home.  We will then get a phone call, hear about a child they think is a good match for us, and make a prayerful decision about whether or not we agree.  I am over-simplifying the process, but that's it, in a nutshell. 

Here are the answers to the question nobody wants to ask but wants to know:
Why?  We have been considering adoption since before we were married.  Steven has always had a soft spot in his heart for adoption because his grandmother was adopted (by a relative) and his parents were foster parents, for a time.  I have always felt a strange "calling," of sorts, to adopt.  When Steven and I were considering marriage, I asked him how he felt about adoption because I felt like it was going to be in our future and I needed to know he was okay with it.  He was more than okay :)  We thought we would have our own biological children first and then adopt a few more (Steven's numbers were '4' and '2'.  I did not have particular numbers in mind).  Proverbs 19:21 says, "Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails."  And in Proverbs 16:9, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."  As is often the case, we thought we knew our course, but God is ordering our steps in a different way.  I think, in a way, even though not being able to conceive is a painful and unexpected journey, somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I always thought this might be God's path for us.  Maybe I'll write more about that side of things another time.  For now, suffice it to say, it seems we are adopting first and maybe adopting only. 

A few weeks ago I had the idea that I could write blog entries about this, including the date they were written, and not post them until we were ready for people to know.  I wish I had this idea much sooner.  This process has been... well, just that: a process!  From deciding it might be time to look into it, to wondering which avenue to pursue, to choosing a path, to all the thoughts and emotions that come along the way, it's been a wild ride.  It's far from over, but I just can't go back and recapture all that I've missed.  I didn't even journal about it much.  Fail.  I'm already failing as a parent!  I'm kidding... sort of.   In the next few days or weeks, I will post the couple of things that I did manage to write recently.  Anyway, please pray for us as we wait.  Pray for the DSS agents who are trying to find homes for children.  Pray for God's will to be done on all sides.  Thanks for caring enough to read this.

The Whole Picture

Something occurred to me today in a new way.  I know, I know.  Shocking, right?  Anyway, here goes my attempted explanation...

The Bible explains the comparison between the Old Testament system of animal sacrifice and Jesus' death on the cross.  The shedding of blood is necessary for the forgiveness of sin.  I don't know exactly why - it's God's system, not mine.  I'm sure mine would be much more messy and complicated.  So, in the past, there was a detailed system of animal sacrifice for purification.  This system was finished when Jesus took our place.  He shed His blood as the sacrifice for our sins.  Here's the revelation: we tend to say that Jesus became our sacrifice and mirrored animal sacrifice, but it's really the other way around.  The Old Testament system was BECAUSE, later, Jesus would show us the true picture of the sacrificial shedding of blood.  Why does it matter which is the cause and which is the result?  Mostly, because it's just cooler this way!  We tend to look at life through our worldly perspective and forget that God sees the whole picture.  We have simple-mindedly decided that B happens as a result of A, but in God's eyes A is just getting us to B.  When God designed the methods of animal sacrifice, He had His Son's death on the cross in mind.  I understand that God is sovereign and while thinking about the ramifications of that can completely hurt one's brain, I've never really thought about this aspect of it.  I think it's good to remind ourselves, often, that the things that happen in our world and in our individual lives did not catch God by surprise.  He knew this day was coming from the foundation of the world.  He didn't just know it, He designed it to be this way for a reason.  But it's His reason.  He alone has the master plan.  Every so often, we get to see glimpses of it, but much of it remains a mystery.  I'm glad I serve a God I can't understand.

Jesus, Friend of Sinners

This is an amazing song, by Casting Crowns, that should be convicting for every Christian.  And I also hope it shows those who don't believe, because they judge Christianity by its followers, that we are all sinners, too.  There's nothing wrong with the music, but the lyrics are what slapped me in the face.  So here they are...

Jesus, Friend of Sinners
(by Mark Hall, Matthew West)

Jesus, friend of sinners
We have strayed so far away
We cut down people in Your name
But the sword was never ours to swing

Jesus, friend of sinners
The truth’s become so hard to see
The world is on their way to You
But they’re tripping over me

Always looking around but never looking up
I’m so double minded
A plank-eyed saint with dirty hands
And a heart divided

Oh Jesus, friend of sinners
Open our eyes to the world
At the end our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners
Break our hearts for what breaks Yours

Jesus, friend of sinners
The One whose writing in the sand
Made the righteous turn away
And the stones fall from their hands

Help us to remember
We are all the least of these
Let the memory of Your mercy
Bring Your people to their knees

Nobody knows what we’re for
Only what we’re against
When we judge the wounded
What if we put down our signs
Crossed over the lines
And loved like You did

You love every lost cause
You reach for the outcast
For the leper and the lame
They’re the reason that You came
Lord, I was that lost cause
And I was the outcast
But You died for sinners just like me
A grateful leper at Your feet

‘Cause You are good
You are good
And Your love endures forever
And I was the lost cause
And I was the outcast
You died for sinners just like me
A grateful leper at Your feet

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Sunday: A day of... rest?

This has been a very busy day.  That is not so unusual except that today is Sunday.  Sunday, as in, "Day of Rest," "Remember the Sabbath..."  I found myself saying many times today, "This is NOT a day of rest."  Now, I can't complain too much.  I did manage to squeeze in a nap.  And by "nap" I mean I laid down for an hour, started to doze off once, and mostly thought about what I should be doing instead.  The day started with having to be at church early (8:00 - not terrible, just earlier than usual) to, in essence, prepare for worship.  Then, after church, was a fairly leisurely lunch and the aforementioned nap attempt.  At 3:00 I was back at church for a meeting about a ministry opportunity we are helping to launch.  I left that meeting, before it was over, to rush to the student building for another meeting about a ministry I'm already involved in.  I had to leave that meeting early to GO to the actual ministry.  And now I've arrived home about 9:30.  I would like to say I'm done for the day, but I need to work on some things I need to teach at ANOTHER church activity I'm involved with tomorrow after my full day of work.  Does anyone see a problem here???  No, I am not trying to "toot my own horn."  Far from it!  If you think that, you have completely missed the point.  I just can't help but wonder if this is the exact thing God was speaking of when He said, "Remember the Sabbath day..."  Not, "Remember all your appointments at church on Sunday."   "Remember the Sabbath day... to keep it holy."  Did I have a "holy" day?  I don't think so.  Did I worship?  I guess so.  Somewhere in between worrying about the music and thinking ahead to what I had to do today, I think I took a couple of minutes to praise God.  So now my whole Sabbath day has been whittled down to a few meaningful minutes and the rest filled with fluff.  Actually, probably the best thing I did all day was to skip Sunday School and sit with a friend for a while talking about life.  Real life.  Real encouragement.  I knew the day was heading in the wrong direction when I walked out the door without my Bible.  I disappointed myself with that one, and I should have let it change the course of my day.  It didn't.

Here's the thing...  The "stuff" I did all day was good stuff.  We SHOULD be looking for ways to serve and not just occupy space and let other people feed us.  Obviously, I get that.  But where do we draw the line?  At what point are we too busy "Serving God" that we neglect worshiping Him?  I guess I just had a Martha day...

     Luke 10:38-42
As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” 

“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

 I need to learn to be still.  I don't want to "grow weary in well-doing."  I've been there.  I probably AM there again. I am so thankful for all the opportunities I am given to use whatever gifts God has given me for His glory.  But I get the feeling my busy-ness doesn't honor Him. 

What's up.

I need to write.  There is too much jumbled up stuff in my brain lately and whenever that happens, the paper or, in this case, the screen, helps me sort it all out and find things that I didn't even know were in there.  Maybe what I really need is to go find a journal.  Yes, I should probably do that, too.  But, perhaps since I spend so much time reading status updates and whatnot, I'm feeling drawn to the blog.  I don't even really care if no one else reads it.  In fact, in a way, I'd rather not be so public.  So why am I here?  Ease?  Availability?  I'll consult the journal and get back to you.

Honestly...

I have realized something about myself.  I am very honest.  Now, I don't always say what comes to mind.  I do have a bit of a filter.  You might annoy me and I ignore it.  I might care about you a whole lot but, to avoid sounding like a creeper, I keep my feelings to myself.  Other than those things, I am dreadfully honest.  The problem is, whereas I think that should be an admirable quality, because it's foreign to most people, it isn't admired.  This is probably compounded by the fact that I live in the South.  The southern states pride themselves on their hospitality and general "nice-ness."  What that often boils down to, though, is falsehood...  "I am going to be sweet to your face and talk about you behind your back."  "My life is falling apart, but I am going to smile and convince you that everything is peachy."  "You hurt my feelings, but I'm going to pretend like we're all good."  "I'm really jealous of you, but I'm going to act supportive."  "I don't care about you, but I will pretend to because it makes me look good."  The result is a whole lot of fake.  And everyone can thrive in their insincerity as long as everyone does it.  Now, enter my honest self, people panic, and trouble erupts.  And part of the problem might be that they are still looking at me through the filter of fakeness and don't realize that, with me, what you see is what you get.  I don't have a hidden agenda.  If I'm not smiling it doesn't mean I'm unhappy; I just might be thinking about something instead of setting my face for your comfort.  I'm not saying one thing and thinking another.  If I make a general observation, it is not a calculated missile launch at your entire character.  I'm not being nice now but secretly plotting your demise.  These things are foreign to ME. 

Maybe who I am has affected which life-guiding principles learned from various courses and various relationship experiences that I have held onto as important, and which ones I have dismissed as "bad ideas."  I'm sure we all do that to some extent.  But, with that in mind, here are some things that I hold to as good inter-personal relationship principles:


1. Communication is Key.  We have to communicate- truthfully, though respectfully.  If I don't know you're upset with me, I can't fix it.  If you don't know I'm upset with you, you can't fix it.
2.  Don't "Gunny sack."  Do not hold onto and store up things that bother you.  They will fester.  They will become worse than they really were to begin with.  One day, when the sack gets full enough, you will explode.
     note- Don't pretend you're dismissing things when you're really sacking them.  Sometimes we even lie to ourselves about this.
3. Communication is about intention as much as it is about words- but don't assign your own intention to someone.  Decide what their intention is based on what you know of THEM- not what you know of YOU or what you know of OTHERS.  If that is a person who has never tried to hurt you, then they're probably not trying to hurt you now.
4. Say what you mean.  Mean what you say.


I am not intending to try to sound like an expert, by any stretch of the imagination.  I hope, in my 32 years, that I have learned a thing or two.  I have learned about myself.  I have learned about people.  I have learned about my interaction with people.  And, by the grace of God, I'm still learning.  However, let me assure you, whomever you may be, that I don't dislike anyone- and I am not aware of anyone who truly dislikes me.  Now, I do have insecurity issues that make me think no one likes me... but that's another blog for another day.  (And not liking someone is different than disliking someone.)  All I'm saying is, if you think you know me, you probably do.  I'm not difficult to figure out because I can't keep things hidden.  If you press me enough, I'm going to talk.  And when I speak, it's the truth.

I miss blogging. That's all. Maybe more to follow...

Societal Shift

What does it say about us that we are going from deep, fairly well thought-out treatises to quick, often meaningless blurbs of 140 characters or less?