The Whole Picture

Something occurred to me today in a new way.  I know, I know.  Shocking, right?  Anyway, here goes my attempted explanation...

The Bible explains the comparison between the Old Testament system of animal sacrifice and Jesus' death on the cross.  The shedding of blood is necessary for the forgiveness of sin.  I don't know exactly why - it's God's system, not mine.  I'm sure mine would be much more messy and complicated.  So, in the past, there was a detailed system of animal sacrifice for purification.  This system was finished when Jesus took our place.  He shed His blood as the sacrifice for our sins.  Here's the revelation: we tend to say that Jesus became our sacrifice and mirrored animal sacrifice, but it's really the other way around.  The Old Testament system was BECAUSE, later, Jesus would show us the true picture of the sacrificial shedding of blood.  Why does it matter which is the cause and which is the result?  Mostly, because it's just cooler this way!  We tend to look at life through our worldly perspective and forget that God sees the whole picture.  We have simple-mindedly decided that B happens as a result of A, but in God's eyes A is just getting us to B.  When God designed the methods of animal sacrifice, He had His Son's death on the cross in mind.  I understand that God is sovereign and while thinking about the ramifications of that can completely hurt one's brain, I've never really thought about this aspect of it.  I think it's good to remind ourselves, often, that the things that happen in our world and in our individual lives did not catch God by surprise.  He knew this day was coming from the foundation of the world.  He didn't just know it, He designed it to be this way for a reason.  But it's His reason.  He alone has the master plan.  Every so often, we get to see glimpses of it, but much of it remains a mystery.  I'm glad I serve a God I can't understand.

Jesus, Friend of Sinners

This is an amazing song, by Casting Crowns, that should be convicting for every Christian.  And I also hope it shows those who don't believe, because they judge Christianity by its followers, that we are all sinners, too.  There's nothing wrong with the music, but the lyrics are what slapped me in the face.  So here they are...

Jesus, Friend of Sinners
(by Mark Hall, Matthew West)

Jesus, friend of sinners
We have strayed so far away
We cut down people in Your name
But the sword was never ours to swing

Jesus, friend of sinners
The truth’s become so hard to see
The world is on their way to You
But they’re tripping over me

Always looking around but never looking up
I’m so double minded
A plank-eyed saint with dirty hands
And a heart divided

Oh Jesus, friend of sinners
Open our eyes to the world
At the end our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners
Break our hearts for what breaks Yours

Jesus, friend of sinners
The One whose writing in the sand
Made the righteous turn away
And the stones fall from their hands

Help us to remember
We are all the least of these
Let the memory of Your mercy
Bring Your people to their knees

Nobody knows what we’re for
Only what we’re against
When we judge the wounded
What if we put down our signs
Crossed over the lines
And loved like You did

You love every lost cause
You reach for the outcast
For the leper and the lame
They’re the reason that You came
Lord, I was that lost cause
And I was the outcast
But You died for sinners just like me
A grateful leper at Your feet

‘Cause You are good
You are good
And Your love endures forever
And I was the lost cause
And I was the outcast
You died for sinners just like me
A grateful leper at Your feet

© 2011 Sony/ATV Tree Publishing (BMI) All rights on behalf of Sony/ATV Tree Publishing administered by Sony/ATV. / My Refuge Music (BMI) (adm. at EMICMGPublishing.com) / External Combustion Music / Songs of Southside Independent Music Publishing, LLC / Songs for Delaney (ASCAP)

Sunday: A day of... rest?

This has been a very busy day.  That is not so unusual except that today is Sunday.  Sunday, as in, "Day of Rest," "Remember the Sabbath..."  I found myself saying many times today, "This is NOT a day of rest."  Now, I can't complain too much.  I did manage to squeeze in a nap.  And by "nap" I mean I laid down for an hour, started to doze off once, and mostly thought about what I should be doing instead.  The day started with having to be at church early (8:00 - not terrible, just earlier than usual) to, in essence, prepare for worship.  Then, after church, was a fairly leisurely lunch and the aforementioned nap attempt.  At 3:00 I was back at church for a meeting about a ministry opportunity we are helping to launch.  I left that meeting, before it was over, to rush to the student building for another meeting about a ministry I'm already involved in.  I had to leave that meeting early to GO to the actual ministry.  And now I've arrived home about 9:30.  I would like to say I'm done for the day, but I need to work on some things I need to teach at ANOTHER church activity I'm involved with tomorrow after my full day of work.  Does anyone see a problem here???  No, I am not trying to "toot my own horn."  Far from it!  If you think that, you have completely missed the point.  I just can't help but wonder if this is the exact thing God was speaking of when He said, "Remember the Sabbath day..."  Not, "Remember all your appointments at church on Sunday."   "Remember the Sabbath day... to keep it holy."  Did I have a "holy" day?  I don't think so.  Did I worship?  I guess so.  Somewhere in between worrying about the music and thinking ahead to what I had to do today, I think I took a couple of minutes to praise God.  So now my whole Sabbath day has been whittled down to a few meaningful minutes and the rest filled with fluff.  Actually, probably the best thing I did all day was to skip Sunday School and sit with a friend for a while talking about life.  Real life.  Real encouragement.  I knew the day was heading in the wrong direction when I walked out the door without my Bible.  I disappointed myself with that one, and I should have let it change the course of my day.  It didn't.

Here's the thing...  The "stuff" I did all day was good stuff.  We SHOULD be looking for ways to serve and not just occupy space and let other people feed us.  Obviously, I get that.  But where do we draw the line?  At what point are we too busy "Serving God" that we neglect worshiping Him?  I guess I just had a Martha day...

     Luke 10:38-42
As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” 

“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

 I need to learn to be still.  I don't want to "grow weary in well-doing."  I've been there.  I probably AM there again. I am so thankful for all the opportunities I am given to use whatever gifts God has given me for His glory.  But I get the feeling my busy-ness doesn't honor Him. 

What's up.

I need to write.  There is too much jumbled up stuff in my brain lately and whenever that happens, the paper or, in this case, the screen, helps me sort it all out and find things that I didn't even know were in there.  Maybe what I really need is to go find a journal.  Yes, I should probably do that, too.  But, perhaps since I spend so much time reading status updates and whatnot, I'm feeling drawn to the blog.  I don't even really care if no one else reads it.  In fact, in a way, I'd rather not be so public.  So why am I here?  Ease?  Availability?  I'll consult the journal and get back to you.

Honestly...

I have realized something about myself.  I am very honest.  Now, I don't always say what comes to mind.  I do have a bit of a filter.  You might annoy me and I ignore it.  I might care about you a whole lot but, to avoid sounding like a creeper, I keep my feelings to myself.  Other than those things, I am dreadfully honest.  The problem is, whereas I think that should be an admirable quality, because it's foreign to most people, it isn't admired.  This is probably compounded by the fact that I live in the South.  The southern states pride themselves on their hospitality and general "nice-ness."  What that often boils down to, though, is falsehood...  "I am going to be sweet to your face and talk about you behind your back."  "My life is falling apart, but I am going to smile and convince you that everything is peachy."  "You hurt my feelings, but I'm going to pretend like we're all good."  "I'm really jealous of you, but I'm going to act supportive."  "I don't care about you, but I will pretend to because it makes me look good."  The result is a whole lot of fake.  And everyone can thrive in their insincerity as long as everyone does it.  Now, enter my honest self, people panic, and trouble erupts.  And part of the problem might be that they are still looking at me through the filter of fakeness and don't realize that, with me, what you see is what you get.  I don't have a hidden agenda.  If I'm not smiling it doesn't mean I'm unhappy; I just might be thinking about something instead of setting my face for your comfort.  I'm not saying one thing and thinking another.  If I make a general observation, it is not a calculated missile launch at your entire character.  I'm not being nice now but secretly plotting your demise.  These things are foreign to ME. 

Maybe who I am has affected which life-guiding principles learned from various courses and various relationship experiences that I have held onto as important, and which ones I have dismissed as "bad ideas."  I'm sure we all do that to some extent.  But, with that in mind, here are some things that I hold to as good inter-personal relationship principles:


1. Communication is Key.  We have to communicate- truthfully, though respectfully.  If I don't know you're upset with me, I can't fix it.  If you don't know I'm upset with you, you can't fix it.
2.  Don't "Gunny sack."  Do not hold onto and store up things that bother you.  They will fester.  They will become worse than they really were to begin with.  One day, when the sack gets full enough, you will explode.
     note- Don't pretend you're dismissing things when you're really sacking them.  Sometimes we even lie to ourselves about this.
3. Communication is about intention as much as it is about words- but don't assign your own intention to someone.  Decide what their intention is based on what you know of THEM- not what you know of YOU or what you know of OTHERS.  If that is a person who has never tried to hurt you, then they're probably not trying to hurt you now.
4. Say what you mean.  Mean what you say.


I am not intending to try to sound like an expert, by any stretch of the imagination.  I hope, in my 32 years, that I have learned a thing or two.  I have learned about myself.  I have learned about people.  I have learned about my interaction with people.  And, by the grace of God, I'm still learning.  However, let me assure you, whomever you may be, that I don't dislike anyone- and I am not aware of anyone who truly dislikes me.  Now, I do have insecurity issues that make me think no one likes me... but that's another blog for another day.  (And not liking someone is different than disliking someone.)  All I'm saying is, if you think you know me, you probably do.  I'm not difficult to figure out because I can't keep things hidden.  If you press me enough, I'm going to talk.  And when I speak, it's the truth.

I miss blogging. That's all. Maybe more to follow...

Societal Shift

What does it say about us that we are going from deep, fairly well thought-out treatises to quick, often meaningless blurbs of 140 characters or less?

Allergies

First off, let me say that my main irritant is springtime plants - whatever they may be - that cause allergies. It has been probably two months now with constant problems and little relief. I've tried various medications and various combinations of those medications and only end up with a life that is usually tolerable but not so great. Second, let me say that I realize that in the grand scheme of things, allergies, however severe, pale in comparison to other problems and even other physical ailments. However, that being said, allow me to to continue with my complaining in my otherwise fairly good bubble.
My biggest pet peeve (what does that mean anyway?) as of late is the question, "Is that allergies or a cold?" This question comes along anytime I sniff, sneeze, or blow my nose in public. A worse question, that I also occasionally hear, is, "Is that a cold or a sinus?" A sinus?! It's ALL "a sinus"! That's as bad as calling someone "mental." I assume they mean a sinus infection. Although that's giving them the benefit of the doubt. Moving on... Why do they need to know? Are they just making conversation? Or are they concerned that I'm infecting everyone in my path with a cold? I hardly think it should matter to them unless they have some kind of immunodeficiency problem. And another thing: isn't this allergy season? Why should someone blowing her nose be a cause for alarm... or even comment? Can't I just be miserable in peace?

Reflections on a "family"

I am starting to realize something about myself, so I'm going to try to hash it out... here... in public (somewhat). I have participated in several short-term (some longer than others) activities where, at the end of it, the participants have become very close. I, on the other hand, sit back and watch this happen as an outsider. In some cases I think, "This is ridiculous; they've just met and they act like they're leaving their best friends." But sometimes I think, "We really have been through a lot together and we should be closer than I feel." One of two things is happening: either there are a lot of shallow people out there who don't know what a deep relationship is like, or I do not allow myself to get close to people quickly. I fear it is the latter.

I think I used to feel really deeply for people I barely knew, but it never seemed like they cared much about me. In actuality, they probably never knew how I felt because I'm afraid to put my feelings on the line. I also know that I often don't take the time, energy, and emotion to "invest" in relationships. I've always been more of a one-or-two-deep-friendships kind of person rather than the several-not-so-deep-friendships kind. So, is that it? Am I just satisfied with my one-or-two friendships and don't think I need any more? If so, I would say I'm just secure and don't need to depend on sporadic relationships. But, I think I would be justifying a flaw. Instead, I believe I am keeping myself from meaningful relationships- no matter how brief they may be in the end. I don't know what to do about this, but I wish I didn't distance myself like that.

I just came to check to see if this blog still exists! So, now that I'm here, I feel the need to post something. I have nothing of any importance to say, but just wanted to make my presence known. I have probably been less reflective lately, without an outlet (journal, blog, etc) in which to "hash things out." This is a waste of an over-analytical brain and must stop. I will begin thinking of new things to complain about... um... I mean... discuss.

Conjunctivitis

Yes, it's gross... and it's keeping me from working. Now, if we weren't poor, I would actually welcome it- because a day off is nice and when you feel fine (except for a little annoyance) it's a decent break. However, sitting here checking blogs and watching the Cosby Show isn't allowing me to make the meager salary that we require to continue life as we know it. Well, I think I'll go do some more disinfecting and maybe find some other worthwhile things to occupy my time. Just thought I'd give a shout out.

wedded bliss

Wow. Now that's a long absence. I will not make any empty claims of planning to post more often. I just want to give a short update for now. We'll see how it goes from there.

Married life is wonderful. I can't believe Steven and I get to be roommates! It's so fun. I am never bored. Life has been an incredible whirlwind and I think next month we will finally have some down time for the first time in... close to a year, I think. We have recently had a few evenings to be home and it feels so strange.
So, if you were wondering what happened to me/us, we're still kickin'. If you were supposed to get a thank-you note from our wedding, it's still coming. If you haven't heard from us and should have, I'm sorry. And there you have it. For pictures, look me up on facebook. That's all for now.

Ready or Not... Here It Comes

The countdown has begun. Well, we've been counting down since Christmas Eve when we got engaged, but let's say the countdown seems to be speeding up. We are within a week of being married. I have these little reality check moments where I can't believe it. It's so surreal. You try to picture these moments from the time you're little, and then they arrive, and it feels so strange it's as though you've never even considered them. It's not like, "This is how I thought this would be," or "This isn't how I thought it would be." It's just as though I've never given it a thought at all. Maybe that makes no sense to anyone else, but that's the only way I can explain it.
In any case, this is my last Sunday as a single person. Not that there's anything significant about Sunday because I'll be saying that about Monday, tomorrow. I'm just trying to process that at this time next week, I'll be married and on my honeymoon. Not just married, but I'll be a wife, and I'll have a husband. All of those things, while seemingly synonymous, carry their own weight and significance. I got used to having a fiance. This is totally different.
Let me clarify, for those who might fear I will be the next runaway bride, that I am extremely excited. I am just incredibly analytical and introspective (those who have read this before are giving a big, "duh" right now). I cannot wait to marry Steven. Not just to be married, as there is a great fear among single women that they will remain that way, but to marry Steven. He is my best friend, and I can't believe how God has worked to bring us to this point of being the match for the other. I can rest assured that our love is strong, our commitment is eternal, and that our life will never be boring. And I do use the singular "life" because on Saturday, we will merge two lives into one. That's the beauty of it all.

Showered with Love

So, apparently, when you're planning a wedding that is rapidly approaching and spending every evening at the theatre for a show that is even more rapidly approaching, one finds that she has no time for things like updating a blog. In fact this one will be short. I just thought that I would say that in view of my "double-header" shower day (of the bridal, rather than bath, persuasion) I feel very loved. Yes, two groups of friends planned two celebrations for Steven and I today. Truthfully, he was not invited to the first, but will reap the benefits anyway. And as it turned out, all of the participants of the first shower, were also at the second. But here's the point: I looked around at everyone who was gathered and thought, "These great people are all here to show their love and support to Steven and me." That's pretty cool. I often have a negative view of how I perceive that others feel about me. After a day like today, I am in awe of how wrong I can be. So, I just want to say to those involved, Thanks!

Memorial Day

This is a week late. I wrote it last week during church (oops), but just decided to post it. The background info is that a musical guest made a quick comment about feeling like lifting his hands but having to control himself in our church. I do not claim that a person should raise his hands or should not. Rather, he should feel comfortable to worship God in whatever way the Holy Spirit moves him. This statement, which probably went unnoticed by many and overlooked by many more, just fed my angst about our inability to grasp the idea of worshiping "in spirit and in truth," or even to care to find out what that means.


When a guest in our church feels inhibited in worship, what does that say to us? 1. There is a spirit of oppression over this place. 2. We have grown accustomed to it.

If we feel physically restricted, is that where it stops? What does our inability to lift our hands suggest? Our inability to surrender to God? Our inability to expose our hearts to Him and to immerse ourselves in worship?

How ironic on a day when we are celebrating liberty. Is Memorial Day a time for pomp and ceremony and flair- or to remind us of those who have sacrificed for us? Likewise, is church a time for pomp and ceremony and flair, or to draw our attention to the One who sacrificed His life for ours.

Is Jesus honored by our restraint? Is He honored by our fine dress and etiquette? I often wonder what pleases Him and what saddens Him - what honors Him and what mocks Him. This I know - He once walked into a temple, overturned tables, flipped things upside-down, drove people out, and created an overall ruckus because the temple was being used in the wrong way. I wonder if it isn't time for some table turning again.

A Wedding Story - Episode 2.5

I just had to post an update because something has occurred that I thought was hilarious. I want my reader(s) to know that after all the worry about running out of time for the dress, it was ordered on Saturday... and came in on Thursday. I almost passed out. And then I called Mom and Steven to laugh at them. There you have it. Procrastinating brides everywhere - it will be OK!

A Wedding Story - Episode 2

As of last Saturday, the wedding dress is ordered! I appreciate all of the "encouragement," but you can all rest your pretty little heads about at least that one thing. Please give me a couple of weeks to bask in the decision that has been made, and then you can pick something else to hound me about. I am kidding...mostly. I recognize that I have little intrinsic motivation, so I acknowledge the need for some of the external pressure. Anyway, in case you are wondering, it should be here by the beginning of July.
Last night, I had a conversation with Steven's mom and aunts about the reception. If anyone else has any good, money-saving tips, send them on. The more I analyze it (because that's what I do) the more it boggles my mind. When you get right down to it, it's a funny thing that I should be one of the poorest people at my wedding and, because of tradition, find myself feeding a multitude. I am going to have to ask for a fish and loaves miracle. I want people to come witness the ceremony. I want them to stick around afterwards to talk. And though I don't feel like I have a "dream wedding" in mind, I do want to throw flowers and cut cake and have the whole picture. That takes food (because people won't stay just because you want them to) and food takes money (duh).
I am super excited about my mom and sister, Heather, coming to visit in a week and a half. They are going to help me with the next few planning steps. I'm just glad to see them, but I hope we also get a lot accomplished. My "little" sister got married last year (see the November archives) so she has a wealth of experience and wisdom. And, of course, Mom is planning her second wedding within a year (not hers - mine and Heather's). Anyway, that's all for this wedding installment. 'Til next time...

Drumroll please...it's a List.

I made a long, arduous hike to my car a while ago to retrieve my bag containing items to prevent boredom in various situations- especially useful during non-elementary school subbing. However, the teacher left her computer logged on for me so I have instead been reading up on blogs, looking at wedding stuff, etc. This has caused me to want to update my blog, but I really don't know what to say. Therefore, here is "Kelli's First Blogging List" (try to contain your excitement). I have decided to curb the randomness and restrict this list to the joys of substitute teaching...in no particular order.

• Every day is a new situation. No cubical farm monotony here.
• It's fun to be directionally impaired and try to remember directions to and the layouts of about ten different places (so far).
• Flexible schedule.
• Sometimes not knowing, when you go to bed, if you'll work in the morning or not.
• Occasionally getting to feel like you're making a difference... or at least making someone's day a little better.
• Lots of movies.
• Re-learning all the things that were crammed down your throat in school, but never stuck... and actually enjoying it this time.
• School lunch is only $2.65! (and worth every penny)
• Getting paid to read... or do newspaper puzzles... or update blogs!
• Getting out at 2:30 or 3-ish.
• Seeing "the other side" of school... like where the teachers go that nobody else can.
• Reading fun stories to children.
• Ah! the smell of hand sanitizer.
• Watching other people struggle with Chemistry and secretly laughing at them.
• Freaking people out when you actually know the subject matter.
• Spring Break!! (break: good; paycheck: bad)
• Not having to make lesson plans, grade papers, or do homework.
• Kids are funny... all ages, different amusements.

I'm sure I could think of more if I really tried, but maybe I'll post an addendum later. I hope you enjoyed it.

Correction

Just in case there are any fans out there of Kathie Lee Gifford, Carnival Cruiseline, or 80s commercials, I thought I would throw in a correction from two entries ago. After much reflection I realized that the song on the commercial was not "Who Could Ask for Anything More" but was in fact, "If They Could See Me Now" or whatever the song with those words is actually titled. I still think there was a commercial using the former song, but I can't remember what it was. I'm sure no one else was losing sleep over this, but I just couldn't allow myself to knowingly be wrong.

A Wedding Story - Episode 1

I don't know if I will continue with the above title, but I needed something for now and I couldn't think of anything better. The wedding is 7 months from today which sounds a whole lot shorter than the original "a little less than 10 months." I mean, ten months is almost a year; seven months is approaching half a year. Maybe you don't agree, but it feels like a big difference.
As it is the seven month mark, Steven and my mom conspired against me and decided that today is my deadline for ordering a wedding dress (this being the biggest priority for this time frame as the dress can take a while to come in and be altered, etc.). Mind you, I ignored them almost completely in an act of defiance. However, I did go shopping again this weekend and have come to three favorites. So, I am getting closer.
I have already started having wedding nightmares. Ok, so maybe "nightmare" is too strong a word. I don't wake up in a cold sweat or anything. But there is a definite sense of panic. It's usually about major things being left undone. The funny thing is, they don't take place at the wedding, but at or around the time of the rehearsal. I would have to consult my fiance, the dream interpreter, but I suppose that means I am stressed about the preparation, but not the actual event. If I am right, then I suppose that's good. However, seven months is long when you think of it as seven months of stress. So, I resolve to try not think of it that way (is something really a resolve if you're just "trying" to do it? Oh well). I will think of it as seven more months of pre-wedding excitement. Yeah, that's better.